My Apology

We do crazy shit for love.

That saying never resonated with me until this point in my life. I could never relate. I never planned to do the things I have done and cannot say that I regret them; but I am utterly and entirely sorry for them. I never planned for certain things to happen and evolve the way they did, but they did and in the wake of the storm, pulled me in further. Now, I would not actually call this a storm because this was very much my rainbow with a thick pot of gold at the end. This was my calm after the storm; the storm that many of you know about and can relate to. The storm that continued on and did not stop until the day I met him. He brought me peace. He brought me reassurance. He added to my happiness and the rest simply flourished. I have done crazy shit for love, and I am so extremely sorry for the damage I have caused with it.

This is not ordinary love. This is love that started a flame in my heart the second we shook hands. The first words uttered and I knew something was different this time around. You see, I thought I had been "in love" before, but the feelings then cannot and will not ever compare to the feelings I have now. I have never been drawn in to something so deeply that it is all that I live and breathe. Every single piece of this puzzle is important to me. He is in the light, in the darkness, in the sadness.. the hurt, in the happy times, and laughter, in the cold and in the warmth. He is a part of every single piece of me and it feels as if he has been a part of my soul my entire life. The second he entered my life I could not imagine how things were without him and how they would be now if he were not here. I never considered being in love, it just came to me. Suddenly, my phone calls were started to end with the urge to say it and made me realize that every part of him drew my heart in. I am not in love with only him. I am in love with the way his hair feels on my hands. I am in love with the way his eyes sparkle when he talks excitedly about everything. I am in love with the way he holds me and protects me, but at the same time can seem so small and frail. I am in love with his tears and how much he is not afraid to let you know exactly how he feels. I am in love with his honesty and his personal struggles. I am in love with his hands that are engraved with what seems like the grand canyon; with bumps and crevices all telling the story of how hard he has worked in this short life of his. I am in love with his energy that radiates to every single person around him and brings sunlight to my life. But most of all I am in love with his love and I am so truly sorry for it. I am sorry, but I cannot and will not stifle something that is so clearly real and vividly extraordinary.

I am sorry that I have hurt others. I am sorry I have put other people on the back burner in an attempt to figure out just how deeply I am in love with this man. I have created a mess for others who do not even know that it needs cleaned up. I am so sorry and I am so ashamed and I wish my feelings and emotions could justify the decisions I make. I wish I could make you or them or anyone understand why I have done the things I have and why they mean so much more to me than just mistakes. I wish I could say that the best decision would be to fix what I have broken, but that is not what is best. I am not handed difficult situations to run away from them. You and I both know I have not been handed the easiest cards, and each time I have prevailed. Now is not the time to turn away. Now is the time to face what I truly feel no matter what anyone else feels or thinks. Now is the time to fight for what I truly want, and I am so very sorry that I have made that decision.

This love is as easy as the breeze, it is always there.

xo McKenzie - My Darling Catastrophe

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