When the World Stops Letting you Feel

 
I have been very angry at the world lately. This life has been overwhelming and situations seem to keep growing more and more difficult. The past year and past month in particular have really tested me. Tested my patience, kindness, and self-worth. I have been thrown in the quick sand and luckily the person pulling me out was strong enough to at least keep me from going under.
 
Somewhere along the lines I was taught not to show my emotions. We all were. Someone either made fun of us, scolded us, or did not help us and that, my friends, is how walls begin to build. We do not physically show how we feel and most of the time leave our feelings with only an emoji that looks like it is crying. We use an emoji to portray how we are feeling, but the person on the other side of that screen might not realize how upset you might actually be; because we have been taught to keep it to ourselves.
Behind that emoji, I am curled in a ball under four different blankets. My nightstand is littered with bits of trash and food and half full glasses of water or milk, from the entire day; because life knocked me down so hard I couldn't even get myself out of bed to eat at the table. My to-do list gets pushed to the side because even thinking about doing those things seems daunting. My sheets are streaked with tears and my hair is disheveled from holding onto it so hard when I cry. Yet, I send an emoji only to hope you have the courage to come find how I truly am feeling in a physical form. You say you are sorry and I say I will be fine. But being fine is not what this is.
This is why I am angry at the world.
I am angry because our feelings have been minimized.
Our feelings have been minimized because at some point we learned they were not important. At some point we decided that we would no longer try to make people understand what was wrong, because not enough people cared. At some point we choose to quit trying and hoped that someone would come along, see our feelings, and be willing to help us. We quit asking for help and started hoping for it.
It is clear you cannot share your feelings with everyone. Not everyone will want to understand. But when one person enters your life and shows you that you are capable of sharing your emotions and they are capable of helping you; your world will spin in a different direction. They will hold you above the quicksand long enough that you will eventually get out of it.. that is if they stay that long.
They will take your crying emoji and say, "No, you are not okay. I am coming to help you."
They will show up at your door and hold you.
They will put their hand on your heart and hear your voice shake. They will hold you tight until your breathing settles. They will watch your tears fall and hold you up when your legs no longer can. They will wipe your tears off of your face and sit there in silence while you actually let your feelings show. They will allow you to show your emotions and they will physically be there for you.
I am angry at the world because it has taken away these genuine and caring people and hidden them behind emojis. I am angry at the world because when you find one, you have to hold onto them and not let them go. I am angry at the world because we are given little to no chances to have someone who allows us to feel the way we need to feel and when they leave us the hope starts to fade.
We need these people in our lives. When you find yours, hold onto them because that bond doesn't mean nothing.
xo McKenzie - My Darling Catastrophe

3 comments:

  1. Beautiful. and very true. I never knew unconditional love growing up. Until a family took me in when I had lost everything. Its the purest form of love. I made mistakes and they did not see my mistakes. They saw me growing. Completely changed my whole perspective of life and love. I couldnt give enough money in the world to repay them for the life they had given me. For the hope they had given me. For the love that they gave to me. These people are not of this world. They come from places of tragedy. and pain. and they choose light. They are the angels of the night. It only takes one person to light up a room. a life. One person to say its gonna be alright. and to mean it.

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  2. Such honesty. I love it. This lesson took sometime to learn. Now I look for the people who bring value to my life and I, hopefully, return the favor.

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