Losing Someone you Should have been Close to

I have been to a lot of funerals in my lifetime. Our school saw a lot of tragedy growing up so I think it's fair to say that I am used to many different kinds of mourning. When you lose someone you should have been close to it is different, you know the feelings before and after the fact will be unlike any other feelings you had had in previous situations.

They say the most important people are taken too soon and in these cases it is true. Not enough time is given to fix what had been broken and not enough time is given to heal wounds that were never truly healed. In your time together you had probably seen and experienced things with this person that you most likely never want to deal with again and that bothers you so much because now you can't take those feelings back or fix them; and this person was supposed to be important to you. 

When you lose someone you should have been close to many thoughts form and circulate in your mind completely taking over any other thought processes. The thoughts usually don't come until right before or soon after the person passes. They are the thoughts you get when you are around all of the sadness; when you hear the emotions and memories of everyone else. These thoughts will eat you alive if you allow them to.

From personal experience and no professional knowledge I came up with the five thoughts in the order that they happen when you  lose someone you should have been close to. 

Stage 1: Guilt
If the person has not passed yet or just recently passed the first emotion you might have is guilt. Guilt is the feeling of having done wrong or failed. There were problems with this relationship you had and you never felt the need to fix them. You allowed problems to drive you apart and never foresaw that you would lose this person so soon without the chance of forgiveness from either side. You only have bitter and cold memories, nothing you ever want to relive. You expected this person to make the first move and fix themselves what they had caused but now you feel guilty that you didn't take it upon yourself and now you feel less strongly about this person than everyone else does. 

Stage 2: Regret
After you feel guilty for not taking the first step to fix things you will most likely feel regret. You will regret not caring more for this person and you will regret not taking the time and being the bigger person in order to build and grow the relationship. You wish more than anything that you could turn back time, have another 10 minutes at least to tell them you are sorry. But it is too late. You can't apologize and you can't talk it through any longer and that is something you might always regret.

Stage 3: Selfishness
As you get past the sorrow and feelings of regret you will soon begin to think that maybe it actually wasn't your fault. Maybe they should have taken the step to fix things because they were the ones who ruined it to begin with. Why do you have to be the person who cares about the relationship just because that person is now gone? It should have been worked on from both sides.

Stage 4: Anger
Next you might start to feel anger or resentment toward the person for putting you in this situation. You might begin to think that if they actually cared about how they ruined their relationship with you they would have tried to fix things. Maybe if they would have taken responsibility for what they had done in the past you would have the same memories that everyone else had. But now you are just sitting in a room with people who are crying and laughing and you have no emotions or anything to share; all you can do is sit there and comfort those who are hurting the most.

Stage 5: Emptiness
The last feeling you will have, which is one that I still continue to have, is emptiness. You aren't sure how to feel and you aren't sure where to place the blame. Do you blame someone or do you just drop it? How can you fix something that you can't turn back time for? You wish you could have been close to them but it is too late. The emptiness will have already taken over and at this point there is nothing you can do but keep moving forward.

I say - take the time to mend things with people before it is too late. Many times these people should have been the most important people in your life but you missed that option by not healing old wounds. Yes, still let them know how much they hurt you but you also have to be open to their opinions as well. It is one of the hardest things to lose someone who should have been an important figure in your life but wasn't because of petty problems caused previously. Do it.. before it is too late. Before you have to deal with all of these same things I have.

xo McKenzie - My Darling Catastrophe

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