To the Boy who said "You Disgust Me"


It took three words. Three words to make my heart skip a beat in a panic. Three words to make me question who I am as a person from that second on. Three words to (almost) ruin my self esteem.

"You disgust me" 

When you said those things to me I was caught completely off guard. You had never said something so hurtful to me before and I was surprised you thought so poorly of me. It wouldn't have affected me as badly if it were different timing. But you chose to get me right when it would hurt the most. You see, I had been having a horrible week (this was just last week for the record). I was too stressed to comprehend, feeling VERY down about myself, and in an extremely lonely and horrible funk. It was a time where I couldn't wrap my head around what I was feeling and laying in a ball under my blankets is what brought me comfort. So imagine how much better it made me feel when you said that (can you sense my sarcasm?).

We hadn't spoken for quite some time and this "conversation" was rather random and unexpected. It consisted of a handful of messages, ending with:

"You disgust me"
"Do you really think I care?"

In the moment I blew it off. I thought, "Wow, what an asshole for saying something so uncalled for to someone he rarely speaks to. If only he knew who I really was."
And I still really believe that it was uncalled for. I still really believe that you don't truly know who I am and somewhere along the lines you missed how I try to portray myself.
But every day since you said it, those three words haunt me. I can picture them in my head the exact same way I first saw them and now every day I wonder what I am doing to disgust people. What did I do to make you say that? Am what I am doing now making others feel the same way you do? Or are you just upset because I have the guts to say I don't like you? Is that what it is? Is it because I am allowed to make my own decisions on who I want in my life?

If so, or whatever it is, thank you. Thank you for making me feel worse about myself in a time when I just needed someone to lift me up. Thank you for making me question my every move. But really, deep down, thank you for making me realize I am a much better person than you are and for making me remember how strong and independent I am without assholes such as yourself to bring me down.



xo McKenzie - My Darling Catastrophe

2 comments:

  1. I enjoy reading your blog. Never allow anyone to make your feel less than your worth. We all have bad days, and weeks, and those should never reflect how you see yourself. Keep moving forward, and up. All will be good.

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  2. Thank you very much for your continued support. I appreciate it more than you imagine. :)

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