Opening Up: Why I don't let people in my life

This has been something on my mind for quite some time but I just haven't had the ability to put it into words. If you ask me to tell the story of myself I will trip over myself and stutter over the same words repeatedly and maybe mumble that I care. The truth is, I don't necessarily know my story because it is made up of so many incredible and horrible things and branches off into so many other side stories that the story itself is hard to tell. A few things I do know though are that I am strong, I put on a tough face, and deep down I am extremely nice and care more about other people than I do myself.

Lately I have felt stuck on how much I should give and how much I should get from others and how much I truly trust them to not take everything I have worked hard for and destroy it. I have a hard time meeting new people because I put on such a tough front that they don't think I actually care. But do you know what that front is? That is me being scared. That is me screaming on the inside backing away from people because I don't want to be hurt the way I have been hurt before. I don't want someone to trample my self worth again and I don't want to have to rebuild my character from scratch a second time. I do not have a clear answer on how I got this way, but I do know that more and more people keep verifying my thoughts about only trusting myself.

At one point I had friends listen to my secrets and turn around and spread them.

At one point I couldn't walk to my next high school class without hearing a new rumor about myself.

At one point I couldn't speak my truth because no one would believe me over those trying to tear me down.

At one point I was told I was being too nice and they couldn't handle it.

At one point I fell for the sweet words of a boy who instantly turned into an ass as soon as he got what he wanted.

At one point someone made me believe that other people cannot be trusted with my heart.

/ / Be true. Be kind. Be loving. Be patient. Be daring. But most of all be trusting because if you aren't, one day you could create a human more damaged than me. / /

xo McKenzie - My Darling Catastrophe

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